I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
