Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
