sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
