I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
