At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
