oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
