I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
