I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You pole danced in your parka.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
