I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
