Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
