Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
