there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
