She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
What a dumb baby whore.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
