what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
