Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
cat food counts as protein by the way
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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