Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
