Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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