I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
