Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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