Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
