Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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