he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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