i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
