A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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