I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
