Can Purell be used as lube?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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