The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
