Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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