Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
