I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
