Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
