Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
