so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
A bitchslap is in order.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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