I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
