Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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