note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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