Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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