hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
