She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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