It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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