I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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