once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
