no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
