She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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