There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
