You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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