Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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