it was like eating out sand paper
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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