yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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