I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
