Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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